“Remember that one time at band camp?” Nope, I never had that experience. I was saving myself for marriage. I had a pact with 2 other friends. We had a “sign” to designate that we would wait. And we did. These V’s (we called ourselves) waited until marriage! What a gift to give our husband. Right??? Ha!
Fast forward 23 years with the same man I saved myself for, and I find myself divorced.
Do I still wait?
Apparently, the Bible doesn’t say, “Well you had it. You are in your 40’s. Just go ahead.” But I’m finding my most Christlike friends are literally encouraging me to do it. Like, did I miss a passage in the Bible that says, “Behold, you lived with a roommate for over 4 years, you are about to turn 42 . . .Enjoy”. I sure hope there is that scripture because I’d be all about it!
Starting over is daunting. I always hated dating. So God you are literally telling me, START BACK OVER? Shit. Hated the first time, so not looking forward to the next.
Did I really go without sex for over 4 years, being married? Yes I did. He never had an affair. However you probably think I’m naive. We struggled with infertility & the “we must have sex now” kinda ruined our sex life. It became a chore to him. I didn’t realize it at the time, I was always a 9 out of 10 in the orgasm department (hashtag blessed) so I was wanting it several times a week. And I got turned down quite a bit. I would honestly time us and try to beat our record when we had it. Nothing speaks intimacy like that. But compared to talking with my friends, my ex husband was fine with once every 2 weeks, their husbands wanted it daily.
And then came the death of our daughter. Completely unexpected, and it shook us to the core. So we had the big brother to raise, and life went to hell after the death of our girl. Eventually, we became roommates with him living in the guest room. And he didn’t want me to have that emotional connection to him. So truly, no sex. No going to 1st, 2nd, or 3rd base with my spouse. We were more than a “Duggar” hug…full hug sometimes, peck on the lips or cheeks. Honestly, still love but not in love….you know the saying.
I got cancer, and at first thought maybe it was Gods way to restore our marriage. Nope, not so much. 128 chemo treatments, and he stood by me, lived here. But I knew the road to Damascus never came for him during that time.
Instead, divorce came. I knew it was coming. Actually, it was a much smoother transition than anticipated. I didn’t want to look for a relationship or speak of one. Didn’t want to attend divorce groups because I was afraid I would be attracted to someone. Friends wanting to set me up on blind dates… NO!! Too much too soon. But they kept reminding me the reality of my marriage the past four years and while I felt like I needed a man, I truly did not want a relationship.
Then I crossed paths with a man. Similar to me, he was divorced but hasn’t wanted it. We both had no choice in the divorce. So he was my go to friend on divorce matters. “What’d you do with things in hutch?” “Did you keep the silverware?” That kind of thing.
I’ve probably texted with him 1,000+ times in a month and a half. He’s a great source of relief, super fun. I adore him. I enjoy our fliritiness, I think he’s hot as hell playing his guitar. He’s insanely talented. We’ve hung out. But I had to ask myself – what if he wanted to have sex? Would I?
UGH, that’s the thing. To be nearly 42 and been with one guy. Would it be fun? Hell yes! I’m thinking the casual sex isn’t for me though, but I kinda wish it were. Go ahead and judge. Men are so good about that. But women cling.
All this to say, I’ve been with my therapist for 2 and a half years. And he knows me, knows my ex a little, but truly knows me better than myself. We chatted about premarital sex, and he thought I was too vulnerable. But by the end of one of our hour long sessions, he said, “I’m blown away. You truly don’t want a relationship, you want to have fun, and that feels good to finally have an attraction of some guy.” And then he said, “Wow, you might be that girl who wouldn’t be emotionally attached to sex. I’d never peg that about you.”
And then there is sexting. Yes, I tried it. Do I regret it? NOT AT ALL. That’s one of the pieces that led my therapist to say that. Perhaps I should have regrets. But I don’t. It wasn’t that nasty. But WAY more than the letters I passed during my freshman year of college with my ex. It’s weird, different, and really kind of fun!
But unless I’m in a serious commitment, I think I’m going to hold out. However, I played 3rd base in softball for many years growing up. I just won’t throw it home. Yet.